Movies Nov. 21, 2007 -- Say What?

When I first sat down to check out the Pang Brothers film The Messengers I wasn't sure what to expect. It seemed like an American horror film with a Japanese twist - something we've been getting a lot these days with films like The Ring and The Grudge. So I was skeptical about liking the film, and unfortunately, I had a right to be.

The story surrounds a family that moves to a rural town to make a new life for itself. The farmer father is played by Dylan McDermott of The Practice fame. In typical "David E. Kelley produced" fashion, McDermott tackles the hackneyed dialogue he's given with a shockingly realistic flow. It's true. I can almost believe he'd actually say the things coming out of his mouth. But as much as I want to like it, his performance seems a little flat. I can't help but feel like he may have just phoned this one in, sorry.

Moving on, the angsty youth with a mysteriously troubled past is played by Kristen Stewart. Some of you may remember her as the little diabetic from Panic Room (a much better film). This is the first film that I've seen her in since the David Fincher nail-biter and I have to say that it's nice to see that she's grown up to be so cute, but I hope to see her in a better quality flick in the near future. The girl has chops, but at times (the breakdown scene at the front door) they sort of fail to bring the desired results.

Well that takes care of our two main characters, but what about the remaining supporting cast? The truth is that there really aren't a lot of other characters of which to speak. Penelope Ann Miller (Kindergarten Cop) plays a seriously 2-Dimensional untrusting mother, and William B. Davis (X-Files Cigarette Smoking Man) stops by to be a rather awkward red herring for a bit, but that's about it.

Except for John Corbett (My Big Fat Greek Wedding). Let me just say that if there is any reason to actually see this film, it's to see John Corbett's performance. Towards the end of the film, Corbett's character "Burwell" takes a bit of an unexpected turn. If you're familiar with the bulk of his work (the aforementioned romantic comedy, and his loveable character Chris from Northern Exposure) you will really enjoy seeing something different from this guy. John, it was a treat.

Acting aside, the movie isn't very great anyway. The supposedly impressive Pang style (referred to as "Pangvision") is nothing special. I will say that the style of the film is pretty seamless, you'd never know that it was directed by different people on different days, but that fact is really negligible once you realize that two people producing the same kind of "boring" isn't very impressive.

Somehow these guys managed to take a 90 minute horror film and magically make it drag. With films running anywhere from 2 to 3 hours these days, complete with complex, lengthy narratives and multiple (please let it end!) endings, a 90 minute film designed to scare me to death and give me nightmares should go by without much of a thought.

I had plenty of time to think. Here's what may have caused some of the pacing issues.

The dialogue was terrible; if you must have an example, pay attention to the scene between the mother and the little boy, Ben. When he pulls his eyelids down to show Mommy what the creepy ghost looked like I wanted to put my foot through my TV screen. Then I realized TVs are expensive.

As if the dialogue wasn't bad enough, it's made worse by the fact that the characters are constantly talking in riddles about what exactly Jess DID that makes everyone not trust her. "Okay... she did something with a car... and with Ben... and now her license is suspended... and Ben doesn't talk... and..." And. And. And. And by the time we find out what the "big deal" is... its pretty lame.

The title doesn't make any sense. In the trailer the messengers are supposedly children, in the film the messengers are the ghosts, and according to some people they're the crows (which for the record look pretty fake throughout the entire film).

Well, Ben doesn't talk at ALL until the end of the movie (Strike 1!), the ghosts attack Jess and send her to the hospital (Strike 2!), and the crows actually do attack the murderer, causing him to become violent and try to murder people... (Strike 3!)

So rather than warning anyone or helping or anything like that, these messengers apparently say nothing, hurt people, and cause problems. Awesome.

Let's get to the point: The film is not scary. It's 90 minutes of scary things that could happen, but never actually do. Supposedly all of the silent moments are meant to build tension, but in my case it just let me check my watch. Hey look, it's crap o' clock! Let the record show that I'll have no nightmares about this film, except maybe ones where I'm forced to watch it again. Hi-o!

90 min. Directed by: David and Oxide Pang. Columbia Pictures

Rated: PG-13

If You Liked This, You'd Probably Like: Chinese Water Torture!

- Clyde Masters